Monday, December 11, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me
It is strange how difficult it is to go backward in a jounal to the immediate past. Where has the year gone? Suddenly I am desparate for time, while energy flows out in the starting of cold weather. Lately it’s freezing one day and warm the next. At times I feel bursts of energy, and at other times I wouldn't mind staying in bed for long periods of time. I was thinking about our pastor today. When I consider a life like hers, so given and driven and how she is, nevertheless, an ever-flowering, responsive, caring person. I feel a kind of awe. My mind still wanders, it goes backward and forward of this past year. I feel like I was supposed to do more. But all I can do is what I've done. Am I confusing today or what. It’s my birthday, guess I can be this way. I need to get back writing more. I see how my thoughts are a little jumbled. I had a wonderful birthday weekend. Now my thoughts are of Christmas coming up.
One thing about going home is knowing your going to have to go down a dirt road to see your loved ones. I remember last year Autumn rode from Dena and Andy's with me back home, Dena and Andy live on one of those old dirt roads, roads that I took every week when I was growing up, and there are about 4 ways to get back home to Sherry's depending on which way you go on the dirt road. Being young sometimes your used to one way of going home, the shortest way or the quickest or just the one that is the least wet and you are not in danger of going in the ditch. Anyway back to my point. I took a way that Autumn wasn't used to taking, I took a right on the dirt road instead of a left. She looked over at me and said with big eyes, "You went the scary road". I asked her what is the scary road? She informed me it was the wrong road, not the one you are supposed to take. Well I've taken this road for years and it is a much longer ride, but I was just enjoying being home and being with her. She started looking worried when the road just kept going. Autumn for some reason gets a thrill out of being scared, she loves scary stories. Anything to make her heart beat a little faster. So I looked at her and said I think we went the wrong way. She looked over at me with her big eyes and said "I'm not scared". Well I am I grinned at her. So she gave me her hand to hold.
I love this story, not sure why but even though I know she was scared she was offering me her hand so I wouldn't be scared. Makes me think of us as humans, sometimes we have to admit that we become fearful-about dying, about cancer, about losing our mind, about losing our job, and my parents favorite was about their chidren getting in trouble, and my new one about getting older. This will be my last year in my 30’s. We don't like to confess it, so we may ignore, deny, or repress those fears. But to overcome our fear, we must first acknowledge it I guess. I went out this weekend for my birthday. An old friend told me that he was talking to someone and they said Derek sure has changed from the old Derek he knew, he goes around quoting scripture. I don't remember quoting any scripture to anyone, I think the only place I ever even mention it is in my journals. Maybe I just mention to people about my church. I do pray everyday that I can be used in some way. I find it easier to describe His love for us in my journals. Than to spread it in verbal words. I wish I were more verbal. I'm really mostly a pretty quiet person keeping things in. Woops off track again. Anyway a scripture did come to mind when I was writing earlier and for some reason, I was thinking about what my friend had said about someone saying I quote scripture. Anyway here it is. "Whenever I am afraid," he said "I will trust you" I think David wrote that somewhere in Psalms. I like this one, I loved Sunday School. My mom was my Sunday School teacher when I was growing up too. Along with Mrs. Martin and Mrs. Sara Grace, which I think I've written about before. It's a conscience decision to trust God. So the next time I get scared I think that's what I'm going to try and do. I really believe we can conquer our fears. To admit that we are afraid is to admit we are human. But to admit being afraid and then trusting in Him and going forward will take the fear out of fear. I had bad dreams when I was little, and I remember right before I would go to sleep I found a way to stop them. I got on my knees and said "Please God, don't let me have any bad dreams". It worked. Bless me this year on my 39th birthday! A lot!
